A Plea for Better Bathroom Reading Material

To my disappointment, I noticed that someone scribbled "FAG" on the wall in the men's room stall. While I realize that such language is to be found in any public bathroom, this particular bathroom is located on the floor of the English department. So, I expected something more creative than "fag", something like "piss-drinking cum sargeant" or "dirty whore lips". These insults are so much more interesting and so much more fun to read than something as plain as "fag". Ugh, it's like I'm in the showers with the other boys from our high school swimming class again: everyone has kept their swimming trunks on except for one boy who just didn't care. The other boys taunted him by calling him a "faggot" and teased each other for looking at his naked body. It's been done to death, people. If I had any sense then, I would have insulted the length of this boy's pubic hair or something much more interesting than simply calling him a "faggot". I might have dismissed the chance of using a strand of this boy's pubic hair for flossing, for instance. Ha! Take that you disobedient little wretch!

I demand a lot while sitting on the toilet, and a badly drawn picture of a cock and balls (with the head looking like it was split in half) and other middle-school insults like "fag" just aren't cuttin' the mustard, people; especially in a place like the English department men's room. Come on, people! Where is the sense of style? Where are the allusions? How about a drawing of the shield of Achilles with phallic images drawn on it! Arrows that point to this drawing could be tagged with something like "fag". That would be so much funnier to me. I would use that stall all the time. I would go to school as an excuse to use this stall and to see what the latest addition to this shield is.

I don't think that I am being at all unreasonable with this request, by the way: in other buildings (the ones that contain those boring sciences sudents), bathroom graffiti offers intricate arguments for and against racism, misogyny, homophobia, and just plain bad grammar. They are much more entertaining to read than the pathetic material being offered where I was sitting today.

Immediately after using the bathroom, I went to class and told my classmates about this disturbing discovery. They were not quite as alarmed as I had expected them to be. Perhaps they need to be sitting in the stall to fully understand what I am getting at. Perhaps they need an example of superior bathroom graffiti. By a person with the intellectual and creative abilities to create something of substance. Why, I have a marker. And I need to use the bathroom.